Anxious After The Holidays?

Feeling Anxious After the Holidays? Here’s Why—and What to Do

Hi, I’m Alexandra De Castro Basto, LMFT, here to share some insight on why your nervous system might feel a little out of whack after the holiday season. If you’ve found yourself feeling unusually anxious or activated, you’re not alone.

It can be frustrating to go through an entire year practicing your coping skills, managing your emotions, and putting in the work to grow—only to spend a single evening with your family and feel like all your progress has unraveled. Those old, negative coping mechanisms you worked so hard to unlearn can come rushing back with surprising intensity.

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Why Does This Happen?

First, let’s reframe what we often label as “negative” or “bad” behaviors. The coping mechanisms you’re struggling with now likely served a very real purpose in the family dynamics you grew up in. For example, I often hear clients express frustration about “apologizing too much.”

Here’s the thing: there isn’t a genetic predisposition for over-apologizing. It’s not innate—it’s learned. Many people learn to apologize excessively because, in the environment they grew up in, it served a crucial function: survival.

Imagine growing up in a home where harsh punishment followed even innocent mistakes. In that environment, apologizing excessively could have been a way to de-escalate situations, elicit empathy, or avoid harsher consequences. This behavior is part of what we call the fawn response—a survival mechanism where you make yourself smaller or more agreeable to avoid perceived threats.

While animals in the wild might freeze or hide to avoid predators, children in difficult family dynamics might apologize excessively, people-please, or try to disappear emotionally. These behaviors are adaptive in a challenging environment, but once you leave that environment, they can show up as “symptoms” because they no longer make sense in your current reality.

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Why Do These Feelings Resurface During the Holidays?

So, why is your nervous system activated now, even after all the progress you’ve made? The answer lies in your body’s ability to remember.

When you return to the environment where those coping mechanisms were necessary—like a family gathering during the holidays—your body instinctively reverts to those learned patterns. No matter how much you’ve grown or how much work you’ve done, your nervous system recognizes that environment as a place where survival mechanisms were once critical.

This phenomenon is tied to the concept of implicit memory. Your body “keeps the score,” as the saying goes, and stepping back into that environment can trigger old feelings of anxiety, hypervigilance, or even shame.

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How to Support Yourself Post-Holiday

The good news is that you can soothe your nervous system and take steps to ground yourself after these experiences. Using principles from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), here are some strategies to help:

1. Practice Self-Compassion

Remind yourself that these feelings are normal and don’t reflect a lack of progress. Your body is reacting to a deeply ingrained survival instinct. Speak to yourself kindly, as you would a friend.

Example:

“It makes sense that I feel this way. I’m not backsliding—I’m human, and this is part of my growth.”

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2. Anchor Yourself in the Present Moment

When your nervous system is activated, it’s easy to feel swept up in old patterns. Grounding exercises can help bring you back to the present.

Try this grounding technique:

Name 5 things you can see.

Name 4 things you can touch.

Name 3 things you can hear.

Name 2 things you can smell.

Name 1 thing you can taste.

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3. Identify Your Values

ACT encourages you to focus on what truly matters to you, rather than getting caught up in avoiding discomfort. Ask yourself:

What kind of person do I want to be, even in the face of these feelings?

What values do I want to guide my actions right now?

By aligning your behavior with your values—like kindness, courage, or connection—you can regain a sense of control and purpose.

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4. Take Small, Intentional Steps

Instead of trying to “fix” everything at once, focus on small actions that align with your values and support your well-being.

Take a walk in nature.

Journal about your experience.

Call a friend who understands and supports you.

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You’re Not Alone in This Journey

The holidays can stir up a lot of emotions, especially if you’ve come from a challenging family dynamic. But feeling anxious doesn’t mean you’ve failed—it means you’re human. By practicing self-compassion, grounding yourself in the present, and focusing on your values, you can navigate this period with resilience and grace.

Remember, healing is not linear, and every step forward—even the smallest one—matters. If you need support in this process, therapy offers a compassionate space to explore these experiences and develop tools for growth.

Let’s keep moving forward, one step at a time.

-Alexandra De Castro Basto LMFT