Breaking The Cycle of People Pleasing
- Alexandra De Castro Basto
- Mar 19
- 3 min read
Breaking the Cycle: How to Stop People-Pleasing and Start Prioritizing Yourself
By Alexandra De Castro Basto, LMFT | Therapist in California
Do you often say yes when you really want to say no?
Do you feel guilty when you set boundaries or prioritize your own needs?
Do you find yourself constantly worrying about how others perceive you?
If so, you might be caught in the cycle of people-pleasing—a pattern that can leave you feeling emotionally drained, disconnected from yourself, and stuck in relationships where your needs are never fully met.
The good news? People-pleasing is a learned behavior, and you can unlearn it.
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Why Do We People-Please?
People-pleasing isn’t just about being nice—it’s often a deeply ingrained survival response. Many people, especially those who grew up in dysfunctional or emotionally neglectful families, learned that keeping others happy was the best way to stay safe.
👉 If you grew up in a household where conflict was dangerous, unpredictable, or emotionally overwhelming, you may have developed people-pleasing as a coping mechanism.
✔️ As a child, it kept you safe.
✔️ As an adult, it’s keeping you stuck.
Common reasons people struggle with people-pleasing:
❌ Fear of Rejection – You worry that if you say no, people will leave you.
❌ Fear of Conflict – You avoid confrontation at all costs.
❌ Low Self-Worth – You believe your value comes from making others happy.
❌ Guilt & Obligation – You feel responsible for other people’s emotions.
Over time, this pattern leads to resentment, burnout, and a deep disconnection from your own needs and desires.
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Signs You Might Be a People-Pleaser
🚩 You agree to things you don’t want to do, just to keep the peace.
🚩 You struggle to set or maintain boundaries.
🚩 You constantly worry about how others perceive you.
🚩 You feel guilty when prioritizing your own needs.
🚩 You avoid expressing your true thoughts or feelings out of fear of disappointing others.
🚩 You overextend yourself and feel exhausted or resentful afterward.
If any of these sound familiar, you are not alone—and you can break free from this cycle.
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How to Stop People-Pleasing and Start Prioritizing Yourself
💡 1. Start Small with Boundaries
Setting boundaries doesn’t mean shutting people out—it means protecting your energy. You don’t have to start with big life-changing boundaries. Start small:
✔️ Instead of immediately saying yes, practice saying “Let me think about it.”
✔️ If a request feels like too much, say “I can’t do that, but I can do [smaller offer].”
🌱 Boundaries are a muscle. The more you set them, the stronger they become.
💡 2. Learn to Sit with Discomfort
Saying no may feel uncomfortable at first—but discomfort is not danger. It’s just a new experience.
✔️ Remind yourself: “Their disappointment is not my responsibility.”
✔️ Use self-talk: “I deserve to prioritize my own well-being.”
💡 3. Replace Guilt with Self-Compassion
If you feel guilty for putting yourself first, ask yourself:
🔹 “Would I want my best friend to feel guilty for setting a boundary?”
🔹 “What would I say to someone I love in this situation?”
Self-compassion is key to breaking free from self-sacrificing patterns.
💡 4. Pause Before Saying Yes
When someone asks you for something, don’t immediately respond. Instead:
✔️ Take a breath.
✔️ Ask yourself: “Do I actually want to do this?”
✔️ If the answer is no, honor that.
💡 5. Remember: You Are Not Responsible for Other People’s Emotions
One of the biggest lies people-pleasers believe is that they are responsible for keeping others happy. The truth?
❌ You cannot control how others feel.
✅ You CAN control how you honor your own needs.
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Final Thoughts: You Deserve to Be a Priority in Your Own Life
If you’ve spent your life putting others first, sacrificing your needs, and feeling guilty for setting boundaries, know this:
💛 You are allowed to say no.
💛 You do not need to justify taking care of yourself.
💛 You are just as worthy of love and care as anyone else.
📅 If people-pleasing is holding you back, therapy can help. Schedule a free consultation today to start reclaiming your time, energy, and self-worth.
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