New Years Resolutions for Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families

As a therapist, I often notice an uptick in anxiety and depression around the middle of the year. Why? Because many people are grappling with the weight of unmet New Year’s resolutions. The start of a new year can bring excitement and motivation, but as the months pass, those well-intentioned goals often turn into sources of shame, disappointment, and self-criticism.

Think about the resolutions you set for 2024. How many of them did you meet? For many, the answer is “not enough,” and this realization can be incredibly discouraging. While there’s nothing inherently wrong with making plans or setting goals, the way we approach New Year’s resolutions often sets us up to fail.

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The Unique Struggles of Adult Children of Emotional Neglect and Abuse

As someone who works primarily with adult children or individuals who’ve experienced emotional neglect or abuse, I’ve seen firsthand how their lived experiences shape their approach to resolutions—and to life in general.

For people who grew up in loving, supportive homes, falling short on a goal might feel disappointing but manageable. It’s a temporary setback, not a defining failure. But for those who grew up in environments that demanded perfection or denied them unconditional love, unmet resolutions can feel like yet another personal failing, part of a long pattern of perceived inadequacies.

The weight of perfectionism and unrealistic expectations colors all their experiences.

"I should have tried harder."

"Why can’t I get it together?"

"Everyone else can do this; what’s wrong with me?"

These are the thoughts that often accompany unmet goals for people who’ve grown up in emotionally neglectful households. The emotional toll of these internal narratives can be far heavier than the goals themselves.

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Why Traditional Resolutions Can Be Harmful

Many New Year’s resolutions are framed as absolute, all-or-nothing declarations:

"I’ll lose 20 pounds."

"I’ll save $10,000."

"I’ll stop eating sugar completely."

While these may seem like reasonable aspirations, they don’t leave room for life’s inevitable challenges, changes, and imperfections. For someone already burdened by feelings of inadequacy, falling short of these rigid goals can trigger intense shame and self-blame.

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The Alternative: Compassionate Goal-Setting

Instead of making New Year’s resolutions, I encourage you to try a different approach: setting compassionate goals for yourself.

Focus on progress, not perfection: Instead of saying, “I’ll lose 20 pounds,” try, “I’ll make more intentional choices about my health.”

Build flexibility into your goals: Life happens. Goals that adapt to your needs and circumstances are more likely to succeed.

Celebrate small wins: Every step forward is progress, no matter how small it may seem.

For example, instead of saying, “I’m going to completely change my diet,” try:

“I’ll experiment with adding more vegetables to my meals.”

“I’ll practice mindful eating when I can.”

These kinds of goals create space for growth and self-compassion, reducing the shame spiral that can accompany unmet resolutions.

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Let 2025 Be Different

As you think about the year ahead, consider what goals might look like if they were rooted in kindness rather than perfectionism. What if they honored your humanity, your limits, and your capacity for growth?

The truth is, your worth isn’t tied to what you accomplish in a year. You are deserving of compassion and grace, not because of what you achieve, but simply because you exist.

This year, skip the resolutions and instead focus on setting goals that nurture, rather than punish, your spirit.