You're Here to Heal You!
- Alexandra De Castro Basto
- Feb 18
- 3 min read
By Alexandra De Castro Basto, LMFT | Therapist in California
Many people ask, “Why do I keep attracting toxic relationships?” Whether it’s unhealthy family dynamics, controlling partners, or draining friendships, it can feel like a frustrating, never-ending cycle.
But the real question isn’t why toxic people find you—it’s why you were drawn to them in the first place.
💡 Healing isn’t about fixing others. It’s about understanding why certain dynamics feel familiar, why you tolerated mistreatment, and how to break free from cycles of pain.
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The Role of Childhood Conditioning
If you grew up in a home where love was inconsistent, boundaries were ignored, or conflict felt unsafe, your nervous system learned to adapt to dysfunction. Over time, you may have internalized messages like:
🔹 Love is something you have to earn.
🔹 Being needed is the same as being valued.
🔹 Keeping others happy is your responsibility.
🔹 Ignoring red flags is necessary to keep peace.
These beliefs don’t disappear just because you grow up. Instead, they quietly shape how you relate to others, often drawing you toward the same patterns you experienced in childhood.
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Why We Repeat Familiar Pain
The brain is wired for familiarity. Even if past relationships were painful, they still feel predictable—and predictability can feel safer than the unknown.
This is why many people unconsciously recreate unhealthy dynamics in adulthood. If you were raised to believe love comes with conditions, then relationships that demand over-giving, people-pleasing, or self-sacrifice may feel “normal.”
🚨 But normal does not mean healthy.
It takes awareness and healing to recognize when your nervous system is leading you toward familiar patterns that no longer serve you.
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Breaking the Cycle: Healing from Within
So how do you stop attracting toxic relationships? By healing the part of you that accepted them.
🌱 1. Recognize the Patterns
The first step in healing is awareness. Ask yourself:
✔️ Do I tend to attract people who take more than they give?
✔️ Do I ignore red flags because I don’t want to be alone?
✔️ Do I feel responsible for fixing or saving others?
Bringing these patterns into awareness is the first step toward breaking them.
🌱 2. Rewire Your Nervous System
If your body is used to chaos and instability, peace might feel uncomfortable at first. Learning to self-soothe, sit with stillness, and trust yourself can help shift this response.
🌱 3. Stop Justifying Toxicity
Instead of saying:
❌ “They had a rough childhood.”
❌ “They didn’t mean it.”
❌ “Maybe I’m overreacting.”
Try asking yourself:
✔️ “Does this relationship feel safe and healthy?”
✔️ “Am I allowed to express my needs without fear?”
✔️ “Am I constantly making excuses for their behavior?”
🌱 4. Set Boundaries Without Guilt
You don’t have to explain why you’re stepping away from someone who drains you. A boundary isn’t punishment—it’s protection.
🌱 5. Learn What Real Love Feels Like
💛 Love isn’t something you have to earn.
💛 Love doesn’t require self-sacrifice.
💛 Love should feel safe, supportive, and reciprocal.
The healthier you become, the less appealing toxic relationships will be. Healing doesn’t mean you’ll never meet toxic people again—it means you’ll no longer tolerate them.
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Final Thoughts: You Deserve Healthy Love
If you find yourself trapped in toxic relationships, know this: It’s not your fault, but you do have the power to change it.
Healing isn’t about blaming yourself—it’s about understanding your patterns, choosing different responses, and creating space for relationships that bring you peace, not pain.
💛 You deserve love that nurtures, not depletes.
📅 Ready to start your healing journey? Let’s work together. Schedule a free consultation today.
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